Humor 幽默
English Chinese
A Young Client

A famous psychiatrist was going to knock off from his office when a chubby boy opened his door. He greeted the boy curiously, “What can I help you?”

“Well, all my classmates are making fun of me just because I am too fat! I think you can help me,” said the boy seriously.

“Oh my gosh. Your classes shouldn’t do so. But sorry that I am not good at giving advice on fitness problem,” said the psychiatrist apathetically.

Perplexed, the boy asked, “But aren’t you a BE-HEAVIER analyst?”

The psychiatrist was then amused...

A Place Closed to a Pencil Vane

- Can you find a place close to a pencil vane?
- It must be Pennsylvania!

Effort in Vain

Today, I paid $80 to change my cell phone number because my ex-girlfriend had been stalking me. To inform all of my friends of the change, I sent a mass text message to everyone in my phonebook, including my ex.

Text Message

Today, I finally taught my mom how to send text message. Now I get a message from her every 30 seconds saying "Hi".

It's Over

Today, my boyfriend of three years sent me a text message saying "It's over!". I sent him maybe a thousand texts saying "Why?", "What do you mean?!" After an hour of crying and whatnot, I realized he had driver's education today and that he was saying the class was over.

A Third Hand

幼儿园里还几个小朋友等待老师喂饭,其中一个女生吃完了刚喂下去的一口就等不及了,大叫:“老师,我还要!”老师说:“宝宝乖,老师只要两只手,要一个人一个人来的,等一等哦......”小女生不同意:“那么老师可以长三只手吗?”

Painting My New Car

最近买了一辆四驱越野, 停在楼下,车后有个“4x4”标志,第二天下去不晓得哪个熊孩子刻上“=16”。心疼啊,去补漆。气呼呼地跑到修理厂跟喷漆的说,给我喷个“=16”的字符,弄好回家 ;心想小样,这回你不刻了吧! 隔天下楼一看,彻底疯了,后面刻了个“√"!我那个痛恨啊!无奈,又去修理厂叫师傅喷了个对号,弄回家: 你个熊孩子,这会给你写全了。你再不会折磨我的车了吧!第二天早上下楼一看,头彻底的晕了,后面刻了“100分”!......

Cool vs Two Yuan两块还是凉快?

大妈上了空调车头一块钱硬币。
司机:“空调车两块!”
大妈:“是凉快。”
司机:“投两块!”
大妈边说边往车后头走:“不光头凉快,浑身都凉快。”
司机:“我告诉你钱投两块!”
大妈:“我觉得后头人少更凉快。”
司机无语。

Wrong receiver? 送错人了?

快递员:您好!是观音女士吗?
收件人:观音?没搞错吧!
快递员:没错啊!这快递单上明明写着收件人关阴女士啊。
收件人:哦!不会是如来寄来的吧!这里只有郑月,没有观音!
快递员:哦!明白了....

Appraisal by Camp Counsellor 夏令营评语

小张结束了夏令营。他拿到了教练的评语:“特别能吃苦。”调皮的小王在转交前用涂改液去掉了一个字。你猜是那个字?

Hint: The original appraisal says 'he is especially hard-working'. If you delete one of the character, the meaning will be 'he is gluttonous'.

A Quack's Clinic骗子诊所

一个骗子开了家诊所,放了块招牌在外面,写着: “病治好,付300块;治不好,付1000块。“
一个小贪先生看到牌子,心想这是个 挣钱的好机会;于是决定装病去赚一千块。
小贪先生:“我失去了味觉,吃饭嘴里没有味道。”
骗子医生:“护士,把22号药拿来给病人滴三滴。”
小贪:“你怎么给我滴汽油!“
骗子:“恭喜你,味觉恢复了,付$300吧。”
小贪只好付了钱,很不爽地走了。
几天后又回到诊所,打算把损失的钱捞回来。
小贪:“我失去了记忆,什么都记不住。”
骗子:“护士,把22号盒的药拿来给病人嘴里滴三滴。”
小贪:“嘿,这不是上次治味觉的汽油吗!?”
骗子:“恭喜你,记忆恢复了,请付$300吧。”
小贪只好又付了钱,愤怒地离开了。
几天后又回到诊所。
小贪:“我的视力很差。” 骗子:“抱歉!我没有什么药治这个病,这是退你的$1000…”
小贪:“可这只是$500!”
骗子:“恭喜你,视力恢复了,请付给我$300……”
小贪不甘心,过几月又去诊所,说耳朵听不见了。
骗子对护士嘀咕:“这厮是想和咱们死磕到底,不如把22号药加些耗子药让他过去吧!”
小贪听后撒腿就跑。
骗子逮住他说:“你的听力恢复得不错。300块!”
没等骗子说完,小贪扔下三百块。

Man vs Mandarin Word!

我的老同学从费城发来一张照片:一本学汉语的书。书的侧面赫然印有四个大字“常用漢子”!这第三个字多数中国大陆小学生是不认识的。那“漢”字是台湾写法,相当于大陆写法的“汉”。而“汉子”是指男人;所以那本书上本来想写的是“常用汉字”(Frequently used Chinese characters),却不小心写成了“常用汉子”(Frequently used men)。

A Classic Chinese Peom

老师问谁能背诵古诗《春晓》。碧奇举手了。老师说:“你来吧!” 碧奇开始背诵:“春眠不觉晓,处处蚊子咬;一咬一个包,不知咬多少!”